Blood on the floor, coveted by the silvered glass.
Acquainted with the reflection are we?
How does it feel to be forsaken?
Doesn't feel good to be the one abused...
Cast to the side watching the masses pass by.
Drowning in luscious fear so stagnant and impure...
Don't you ever tell the secrets whispered in the dark.
The shadows know and that's enough.
Pretty little thing, pretty package of lies and veiled threats.
Say all the Hail Mary's you want...
There is no savior to grace the mind forsaken to the streets.
The thorns of reality hurt.
Piercing, sharp, sweet, lovely pain.
Eroticisim at it's best.
Standing on the precipice of madness,
Teetering on the edge of fault.
Follow destiny with blind faith.
What's the matter?
Didn't expect this?
No fear, die inside.
It's easy once forsaken.
A.J. Downey
01-18-2001
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Alcohol Poisoning
Drunk again.
The room is spinning, hanging in a pall of smoke.
Grinding away at these thoughts, these wretched fears even as more liquor flows.
Far away and standing still, watching the present events like a motion picture.
Lending little insight.
What is it?
All of this?
Lightning quick past conciousness.
Inebriated.
Falling in slowed motion.
Equillibrium convulsing so fast.
Caught in the vice of multicolored bottles.
One can't hold it all anymore.
Wake up in the shower or is it pelting rain?
It's too bad, it's too late. it's too hard to stay awake.
Drinking the fire, the poisons in the blood, shaded in colors of vodka, whiskey and rum.
Burning through the body, everything goes hazy, vision blurred, speech slurred, blood boiling... liver going.
Slip into drink, slide into nothing.
Too late.
Comatose last moments, oblivion of the abyss rise to swallow everything in cooling blackness... dark... quiet... silence... death.
A.J.Downey
01-13-2001
The room is spinning, hanging in a pall of smoke.
Grinding away at these thoughts, these wretched fears even as more liquor flows.
Far away and standing still, watching the present events like a motion picture.
Lending little insight.
What is it?
All of this?
Lightning quick past conciousness.
Inebriated.
Falling in slowed motion.
Equillibrium convulsing so fast.
Caught in the vice of multicolored bottles.
One can't hold it all anymore.
Wake up in the shower or is it pelting rain?
It's too bad, it's too late. it's too hard to stay awake.
Drinking the fire, the poisons in the blood, shaded in colors of vodka, whiskey and rum.
Burning through the body, everything goes hazy, vision blurred, speech slurred, blood boiling... liver going.
Slip into drink, slide into nothing.
Too late.
Comatose last moments, oblivion of the abyss rise to swallow everything in cooling blackness... dark... quiet... silence... death.
A.J.Downey
01-13-2001
City of Modern Reality
Elegant and beautious decay, lost among these city streets.
Walking aimlessly for hours lost among the living dead souls' cries.
The night pads in on kitten feet, silent and as deadly as any predator.
Shadows mark the alley ways, a new kind of entry for a dank and rotting sort of Hell.
Putrescence of humanities' emotions lost among the steel and concrete sentinels guarding these wastelands.
Ripping the heart of good intentions from the very hands that need them most.
Oh they scream and squall to get it back but it never even says good bye.
Heroes come and go with little success, falling from grace so quickly now... much faster than they used to. Demons blast through the streets not giving a damn as they fly past angels fallen. Much like the heroes, for so long into the depths of the abyss, passing through the rigorus tortures of the underworld.
Such is life in the city of the damned.
To desire, to dream for something more is fatality. A death by drowning in the tepid torrent of lies and deceit. The hot rains of hardships do nothing to cleanse this place of it's evils. As many have lamented in the decrepit cracks and crevice, as many have begged, still this agony of living must go on...
A.J. Downey
12-24-2000
Walking aimlessly for hours lost among the living dead souls' cries.
The night pads in on kitten feet, silent and as deadly as any predator.
Shadows mark the alley ways, a new kind of entry for a dank and rotting sort of Hell.
Putrescence of humanities' emotions lost among the steel and concrete sentinels guarding these wastelands.
Ripping the heart of good intentions from the very hands that need them most.
Oh they scream and squall to get it back but it never even says good bye.
Heroes come and go with little success, falling from grace so quickly now... much faster than they used to. Demons blast through the streets not giving a damn as they fly past angels fallen. Much like the heroes, for so long into the depths of the abyss, passing through the rigorus tortures of the underworld.
Such is life in the city of the damned.
To desire, to dream for something more is fatality. A death by drowning in the tepid torrent of lies and deceit. The hot rains of hardships do nothing to cleanse this place of it's evils. As many have lamented in the decrepit cracks and crevice, as many have begged, still this agony of living must go on...
A.J. Downey
12-24-2000
To My Bretheren
Remind me, stand behind me, tell me all the whispers from within the bottle.
I'm driving full throttle off the cliffs of insanity.
Crashed and bashed my spirit too much today.
Clap my hands over my ears, I don't want to hear it anymore.
I know the sounds of a battered youth.
The shatter could be heard for miles.
Liquid smiles and paraffin dreams...
The seraphim know my screams so blue.
Screams of agony, screams of sorrow, screams of horror over the loss of you.
A.J. Downey
12-20-2000
I'm driving full throttle off the cliffs of insanity.
Crashed and bashed my spirit too much today.
Clap my hands over my ears, I don't want to hear it anymore.
I know the sounds of a battered youth.
The shatter could be heard for miles.
Liquid smiles and paraffin dreams...
The seraphim know my screams so blue.
Screams of agony, screams of sorrow, screams of horror over the loss of you.
A.J. Downey
12-20-2000
Selfish
Hiding in my corner, so far away... A voice on a string my only line.
Thinking of myself, trying to cry, something to at least feel better by.
Have to say good bye, can't let the phone ring...
Listening to my heart like he listened to me sing.
Tears are falling now, I've got to tear away.
My world's getting darker, turning shades fo gray.
Have to go, have to stop writing, strike the match, the sky is filling with lightning.
The opinions and dissections got me.
She really showed me.
I'm just selfish.
A.J. Downey
12-20-2000
Thinking of myself, trying to cry, something to at least feel better by.
Have to say good bye, can't let the phone ring...
Listening to my heart like he listened to me sing.
Tears are falling now, I've got to tear away.
My world's getting darker, turning shades fo gray.
Have to go, have to stop writing, strike the match, the sky is filling with lightning.
The opinions and dissections got me.
She really showed me.
I'm just selfish.
A.J. Downey
12-20-2000
Creature
Crawling in the dark.
Cold, wet and anxious.
I have great remorse for what I have become.
This gray, damp, creature of despair and loss crammed into this dark corner over here.
This thing, chained by fear of the unknown, guarded most of it's life under lock and key.
The lock has rusted as have the chains and I am close to free, so close I can smell the cool night air.
I am scared though, with no one to be my guide as I stand before these cold iron gates.
My last barrier between me and freedom...
I am left to the decision,,,
Carry on?
Or let go?
A decision that must be carefully weighed...
A.J. Downey
12-17-2000
Cold, wet and anxious.
I have great remorse for what I have become.
This gray, damp, creature of despair and loss crammed into this dark corner over here.
This thing, chained by fear of the unknown, guarded most of it's life under lock and key.
The lock has rusted as have the chains and I am close to free, so close I can smell the cool night air.
I am scared though, with no one to be my guide as I stand before these cold iron gates.
My last barrier between me and freedom...
I am left to the decision,,,
Carry on?
Or let go?
A decision that must be carefully weighed...
A.J. Downey
12-17-2000
Hour Glass
Moments and memories in time dance in the firelight,
Licking into ash like gray on a grayer gray.
I am still.
Plunged into the cold undisturbed pool of darkness.
Watching my past float away into the starry night sky.
They never call me back...
I sit placid and alone, you'd never guess I'm watching the grains of my life slip through the hourglass, each one filled with such a melancholy I couldn't even begin to describe.
Tears are not enough for this heart still so full of pain, seared by the flames, taking my memories out to be washed clean away by the many rains.
I am losing myself to the shadows.
Locked within myself, my lips producing only silence... I'm too full to scream.
I am defeated.
Watching the rain outside my fire I am nothing.
A.J. Downey
12-17-2000
Licking into ash like gray on a grayer gray.
I am still.
Plunged into the cold undisturbed pool of darkness.
Watching my past float away into the starry night sky.
They never call me back...
I sit placid and alone, you'd never guess I'm watching the grains of my life slip through the hourglass, each one filled with such a melancholy I couldn't even begin to describe.
Tears are not enough for this heart still so full of pain, seared by the flames, taking my memories out to be washed clean away by the many rains.
I am losing myself to the shadows.
Locked within myself, my lips producing only silence... I'm too full to scream.
I am defeated.
Watching the rain outside my fire I am nothing.
A.J. Downey
12-17-2000
One
Tearing through my brain searching for that peace of mind I don't think I ever really had.
Chained in place by perfectionist laws, I cannot be free by any means.
Skimming through a land of beautiful death and timeless sorrow. Enmeshed in a land of confusion. Is it serendipity? Chance? Why?
Sighing softly trapped in these paper thin walls so far away I'm still blinded by the light of your beauty. I know it's possible for me to continue because you're there... even from so far away.
Speaking softly in my ear.
A.J. Downey
12-16-2000
Chained in place by perfectionist laws, I cannot be free by any means.
Skimming through a land of beautiful death and timeless sorrow. Enmeshed in a land of confusion. Is it serendipity? Chance? Why?
Sighing softly trapped in these paper thin walls so far away I'm still blinded by the light of your beauty. I know it's possible for me to continue because you're there... even from so far away.
Speaking softly in my ear.
A.J. Downey
12-16-2000
Tender Mercies
The night is my companion shielding me with her ebon cloak of darkness from the rest of the world.
She is kin to me, after a fashion, protecting me from the masses that would have me interred in their burial shroud of icy stares.
I can't breathe again. I'm suffocating in the dreary gray atmosphere of these cold streets.
I lay on my back and let the cold rains attempt to wash my sins away.
The many tortured voices of the saints echoing the last rights in the hollow corridors of my mind.
The carrion birds aren't coming fast enough for me, my body isn't dying like I want it to.
Fear is my salvation as I pick myself up, the smell of the gutter breaking my disasterous reverie,
Collared by angels, forced into slavery by my own dark passions I am a darkness unto my self.
The night is my lover and I've not a prayer.
A.J. Downey
12-16-2000
She is kin to me, after a fashion, protecting me from the masses that would have me interred in their burial shroud of icy stares.
I can't breathe again. I'm suffocating in the dreary gray atmosphere of these cold streets.
I lay on my back and let the cold rains attempt to wash my sins away.
The many tortured voices of the saints echoing the last rights in the hollow corridors of my mind.
The carrion birds aren't coming fast enough for me, my body isn't dying like I want it to.
Fear is my salvation as I pick myself up, the smell of the gutter breaking my disasterous reverie,
Collared by angels, forced into slavery by my own dark passions I am a darkness unto my self.
The night is my lover and I've not a prayer.
A.J. Downey
12-16-2000
Change of Pace
Wrapped in a blanket of hurt, sighing a silent outrage, brought to my knees.
Insecurities funneling through my heart to mingle amidst the shards of my soul.
Binding me in place with profound fear and a devastating loss of something I never had but always dreamed of.
Wasted time dreaming
Wasted time hoping for something better.
Always trapped on the outside, in the cold and the wet, watching them laugh.
I know how it works and it's about to change... I'll be the one laughing soon.
A.J. Downey
12-01-2000
Insecurities funneling through my heart to mingle amidst the shards of my soul.
Binding me in place with profound fear and a devastating loss of something I never had but always dreamed of.
Wasted time dreaming
Wasted time hoping for something better.
Always trapped on the outside, in the cold and the wet, watching them laugh.
I know how it works and it's about to change... I'll be the one laughing soon.
A.J. Downey
12-01-2000
Storm
The patter of rain outside is deafening again.
Loud enough that if I try the sound of it drowns out the screaming my heart makes.
I'm tired again.
I'm lost and lonely again.
A few more moments and I'll be drowning again.
I thought I was okay.
That the storm was over but no...
I'd just reached the eye, the illusion, so fragile, of calm.
I'm not sure who threw the rock.
I'm not sure if it was me...
That smooth piece of granite, that cold unyielding stone of truth.
Shattered the image.
Brought my safe little world crashing down on me.
I just want to be left alone in company like myself.
I want that illusion back... but it's gone forever.
Never to return I think.
A.J. Downey
12-01-2000
Loud enough that if I try the sound of it drowns out the screaming my heart makes.
I'm tired again.
I'm lost and lonely again.
A few more moments and I'll be drowning again.
I thought I was okay.
That the storm was over but no...
I'd just reached the eye, the illusion, so fragile, of calm.
I'm not sure who threw the rock.
I'm not sure if it was me...
That smooth piece of granite, that cold unyielding stone of truth.
Shattered the image.
Brought my safe little world crashing down on me.
I just want to be left alone in company like myself.
I want that illusion back... but it's gone forever.
Never to return I think.
A.J. Downey
12-01-2000
Away
Walking in circles bored out of my mind lost in a din of voices that burn my ears with thier sweet flame of purest passion.
The night shall be my love.
Tonight, the moon, with her soft glow of purest light may guide me back to the world out side my window.
Oh the sweet serenity lost in the sound of your voice from the whispering of miles and miles away, such a siren's call you send me.
A call I admit I crave.
Oh but I watch the waters of the harbor and pray that when it comes, tomorrow without you will be a quiet and lovely day... though I know it won't.
So I whisper my own call from miles and miles away...
A.J. Downey
12-01-2000
The night shall be my love.
Tonight, the moon, with her soft glow of purest light may guide me back to the world out side my window.
Oh the sweet serenity lost in the sound of your voice from the whispering of miles and miles away, such a siren's call you send me.
A call I admit I crave.
Oh but I watch the waters of the harbor and pray that when it comes, tomorrow without you will be a quiet and lovely day... though I know it won't.
So I whisper my own call from miles and miles away...
A.J. Downey
12-01-2000
Silver
Silver eyes, pools of liquid grace, gaze upon him brokenly this angel of despair.
This angel, this thing of terrible beauty, tastes of her tears.
His smile creates for her an entirely new realm of sweet agony, wrapped with a bow of deceit.
Oh how she weeps for his soul, he knows not that he has failed.
A.J. Downey
11-30-2000
This angel, this thing of terrible beauty, tastes of her tears.
His smile creates for her an entirely new realm of sweet agony, wrapped with a bow of deceit.
Oh how she weeps for his soul, he knows not that he has failed.
A.J. Downey
11-30-2000
Better This Way
I look like someone to everyone.
I'm never just me.
They broke my bones and a good portion of my spirit then...
I just wouldn't bend.
Sometimes I wish I had.
I've got to get away from here.
This is no place for me.
I'm not as strong as I used to be,
All this time I can barely breathe.
Is this my punishment to bear?
Hurting, crying, nothing to share?
I can do this, I know I can.
Please, oh please don't let it be so bad.
Why can't it all just fade away?
Can't you see it's better this way?
Pull the blankets to my chin,
Why is it that I can't win?
The dark is coming to take me away...
Please understand, it's better this way.
A.J. Downey
11-26-2000
I'm never just me.
They broke my bones and a good portion of my spirit then...
I just wouldn't bend.
Sometimes I wish I had.
I've got to get away from here.
This is no place for me.
I'm not as strong as I used to be,
All this time I can barely breathe.
Is this my punishment to bear?
Hurting, crying, nothing to share?
I can do this, I know I can.
Please, oh please don't let it be so bad.
Why can't it all just fade away?
Can't you see it's better this way?
Pull the blankets to my chin,
Why is it that I can't win?
The dark is coming to take me away...
Please understand, it's better this way.
A.J. Downey
11-26-2000
Need
We are one.
I am you and you are me.
Steeped in the blood of a thousand ages we are bound to one another like night and day.
I watch you from afar, you soft and beautiful creature, the passion in my very heart flowing, paining me greatly with my yearning need for you.
You do not see me, I know, tis better that way.
I watch you move with ethereal grace and calmly from my place without meaning to I catch your silvered gaze.
We gaze from afar, allowed a simple caress, trapped in the firey agony of sweet purgatory, trapped in an instant, a singular moment in time.
You will never leave me, never, never, never... I won't allow that.
We are one, I am you and you are me.
You have to stay.
I'll kill you if you don't my darling, my heart...
I love you.
A.J. Downey
11-26-2000
I am you and you are me.
Steeped in the blood of a thousand ages we are bound to one another like night and day.
I watch you from afar, you soft and beautiful creature, the passion in my very heart flowing, paining me greatly with my yearning need for you.
You do not see me, I know, tis better that way.
I watch you move with ethereal grace and calmly from my place without meaning to I catch your silvered gaze.
We gaze from afar, allowed a simple caress, trapped in the firey agony of sweet purgatory, trapped in an instant, a singular moment in time.
You will never leave me, never, never, never... I won't allow that.
We are one, I am you and you are me.
You have to stay.
I'll kill you if you don't my darling, my heart...
I love you.
A.J. Downey
11-26-2000
Slopes of Insanity
Sliding down a slope of insanity I wonder how long it will take me to reach nothing... silence, emptiness, and the end to which I deserve.
As I slip and slide down insanity's slick surface I marvel at the strangeness of it all, the alien landscape, the deafening silence of loss and remorse for who I am and for what I have done, for what I have become.
Trying not to think, the tears shred my face in long red tracks of subtlety.
Crying solves nothing and this land of terror and destruction eats me alive.
I try to scrabble away from the pit of despair up the face of insanity, but it's hard, tough to escape from yourself, from what's inside you, your head, your mind, your heart, your soul...
Living in fear of yourself.
A.J. Downey
05-25-2000
As I slip and slide down insanity's slick surface I marvel at the strangeness of it all, the alien landscape, the deafening silence of loss and remorse for who I am and for what I have done, for what I have become.
Trying not to think, the tears shred my face in long red tracks of subtlety.
Crying solves nothing and this land of terror and destruction eats me alive.
I try to scrabble away from the pit of despair up the face of insanity, but it's hard, tough to escape from yourself, from what's inside you, your head, your mind, your heart, your soul...
Living in fear of yourself.
A.J. Downey
05-25-2000
Slip
Watching life slide past my lidded eyes
I sit in a half slumber state and wonder why I was born...
I have loved
I have lost
I have wept
I have died,
I have picked up the pieces and moved on
I have drowned in a sea of presumptions and misconceptions.
I stare at my reflection and in disbelief wondered at who I could possibly be looking at.
I have seen images of horror and touched things of such beauty that I have felt wretched and twisted in comparison.
So I sit here now and wonder at how I could have done such things and slip into an oblivion and a black so complete I cease to be.
Feeling the fire of my youth burn to embers and subtly die,
I long for something that could have been better,
I long for a peace my tortured soul has never known.
I cry tears of glass, shattering like my heart once did.
I feel like every time I break I am glued back together missing a chip.
I'm always going to crack and little bits of me are going to leak through at the worst times... and they do.
A.J. Downey
05-23-2000
I sit in a half slumber state and wonder why I was born...
I have loved
I have lost
I have wept
I have died,
I have picked up the pieces and moved on
I have drowned in a sea of presumptions and misconceptions.
I stare at my reflection and in disbelief wondered at who I could possibly be looking at.
I have seen images of horror and touched things of such beauty that I have felt wretched and twisted in comparison.
So I sit here now and wonder at how I could have done such things and slip into an oblivion and a black so complete I cease to be.
Feeling the fire of my youth burn to embers and subtly die,
I long for something that could have been better,
I long for a peace my tortured soul has never known.
I cry tears of glass, shattering like my heart once did.
I feel like every time I break I am glued back together missing a chip.
I'm always going to crack and little bits of me are going to leak through at the worst times... and they do.
A.J. Downey
05-23-2000
Oppression
Falling through a sea of blinding torment.
Drowning in their slime and jeers.
Lost inside a world of hate, misery and death
I cry for redemption.
Where am I?
What have I done?
Will I forever hide beneath this cloak of death?
Is this what is best for me?
I ask this and many more of myself as I will never be forgiven...
A.J. Downey
04-17-2000
Drowning in their slime and jeers.
Lost inside a world of hate, misery and death
I cry for redemption.
Where am I?
What have I done?
Will I forever hide beneath this cloak of death?
Is this what is best for me?
I ask this and many more of myself as I will never be forgiven...
A.J. Downey
04-17-2000
Cloaked
Sitting lost and lonely, nothing seems to change, alone and at once surrounded by people, always and again.
My brain is hardwired for a form of deep despair.
Losing all that's sacred, this is not a good thing, coated in their misgivings lost among their lies.
Fear surrounds me in a misty cloak of damp gray.
Shading me from good with a vengeance, hiding me from light with a sadistic certainty.
Love lost, learned and lost again how can I shed this cloak and breathe again?
The colors have washed out, the air is thick with humid loss...
How can I bring myself to live again?
A.J. Downey
04-05-2000
My brain is hardwired for a form of deep despair.
Losing all that's sacred, this is not a good thing, coated in their misgivings lost among their lies.
Fear surrounds me in a misty cloak of damp gray.
Shading me from good with a vengeance, hiding me from light with a sadistic certainty.
Love lost, learned and lost again how can I shed this cloak and breathe again?
The colors have washed out, the air is thick with humid loss...
How can I bring myself to live again?
A.J. Downey
04-05-2000
Misery, It's Wonderful
Misery, it's a wonderful thing.
It watches your back and keeps you alive
Even when all you want to do is die.
You function in it sure, even though it tears you apart inside.
Leaving you cold
Leaving you empty
Leaving you to wonder why you even exist.
Your pain gets to you
What's worse is that it gets to the ones that supposedly love you
It makes you paranoid
It kills every emotion save bitterness
What kind of emotion is that!?
No answer,
No surprise.
People you care about hate you.
The wonderful, lame cause to all this misery
Stupid, hurtful and true.
Your hurt and bitterness becomes your cage
You ask "Can I go now?"
This sucks.
Ha!
No!
You're stuck
Damn, I tried. oh well, can't cry.
No tears left...
Can't die, everyone'd get pissed.
Time to just be.
To just exist.
FUCK THIS!!
Can't I be happy?
Probably.
When Hell freezes over.
Crap.
Misery.
It's a wonderful thing.
A.J. Downey
11-02-1999
It watches your back and keeps you alive
Even when all you want to do is die.
You function in it sure, even though it tears you apart inside.
Leaving you cold
Leaving you empty
Leaving you to wonder why you even exist.
Your pain gets to you
What's worse is that it gets to the ones that supposedly love you
It makes you paranoid
It kills every emotion save bitterness
What kind of emotion is that!?
No answer,
No surprise.
People you care about hate you.
The wonderful, lame cause to all this misery
Stupid, hurtful and true.
Your hurt and bitterness becomes your cage
You ask "Can I go now?"
This sucks.
Ha!
No!
You're stuck
Damn, I tried. oh well, can't cry.
No tears left...
Can't die, everyone'd get pissed.
Time to just be.
To just exist.
FUCK THIS!!
Can't I be happy?
Probably.
When Hell freezes over.
Crap.
Misery.
It's a wonderful thing.
A.J. Downey
11-02-1999
Spiral
Spiraling down to no where, dancing on a whim, haul me off to Bellevue, I can never win.
Keep trying to move forward, always getting dropped behind, walking down the freeway trying to lose my mind.
There's no sense in dying for the voices in my head, all they're doing is lying, the truth to them is dead.
Spiraling down to no where, dancing on a whim, haul me off to Bellevue, I can never win.
A.J. Downey
09-30-1999
Keep trying to move forward, always getting dropped behind, walking down the freeway trying to lose my mind.
There's no sense in dying for the voices in my head, all they're doing is lying, the truth to them is dead.
Spiraling down to no where, dancing on a whim, haul me off to Bellevue, I can never win.
A.J. Downey
09-30-1999
No Hope
Rants of depression
Raves of desire
Fits of anger
Lengths of confusion
I'm a citezen of hate
cold and alone
denied my youth
trapped in violence
Crying useless tears
Going nowhere
Bound on a bus line of pain
I wish it would end
Please God let it end
A.J. Downey
09-29-1999
Raves of desire
Fits of anger
Lengths of confusion
I'm a citezen of hate
cold and alone
denied my youth
trapped in violence
Crying useless tears
Going nowhere
Bound on a bus line of pain
I wish it would end
Please God let it end
A.J. Downey
09-29-1999
Can't
I can't keep doing this
I can't keep crying
Why can't anyone understand me?
I'm tired of hurting
I'm tired of running
I'm tired of not knowing what I am running from
I can't keep feeling this pain
I can't keep going through these awful days
Why can't these things stop piling up?
I'm tired of screaming silently for help
I'm tired of no one noticing
I'm tired of dragging along
Someone see me
Someone help me
I can't
I'm tired
A. J. Downey
09-26-1999
I can't keep crying
Why can't anyone understand me?
I'm tired of hurting
I'm tired of running
I'm tired of not knowing what I am running from
I can't keep feeling this pain
I can't keep going through these awful days
Why can't these things stop piling up?
I'm tired of screaming silently for help
I'm tired of no one noticing
I'm tired of dragging along
Someone see me
Someone help me
I can't
I'm tired
A. J. Downey
09-26-1999
Bleached Existence
Dead bodies everywhere
Life pisses me off
Smash my face against the bathroom mirror
Slice my nerves don't feel no more
Youthanize my mind
Bleach my thoughts
See things gray
Burn the photo of my youth
Scream my protest
Chains of mental slavery
Fight, struggle, fall into silence
Use it, learn it, grow to hate it
Useless information
Anything to escape
Crack the whip and let it go
Pierce my eyes with heated needles
Now I don't have to see anymore.
A.J. Downey
09-25-1999
Life pisses me off
Smash my face against the bathroom mirror
Slice my nerves don't feel no more
Youthanize my mind
Bleach my thoughts
See things gray
Burn the photo of my youth
Scream my protest
Chains of mental slavery
Fight, struggle, fall into silence
Use it, learn it, grow to hate it
Useless information
Anything to escape
Crack the whip and let it go
Pierce my eyes with heated needles
Now I don't have to see anymore.
A.J. Downey
09-25-1999
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Rain Watching
Wasted time, watching the rain fall like my tears once did.
Missing your touch, your breath, the warmth of your body, your heart, your soul next to mine.
I watch the rain, and as I trail my fingertips down the cool pane of glass,
I miss the thick, heavy silk of your hair.
How it would slide through my fingers and caress my palms when I ran my hands through it.
I close my eyes and breathe deep.
I can almost catch the intoxicating scent that is wholly you.
That musky mixture of incense, soap, cigarettes and masculinity.
I close my eyes and think only of hands.
Your strong, heavy, beautiful hands.
Caressing my face, resting on my hips...
I am suddenly aware of how cold and empty I feel.
I continue watching the rain fall outside my window.
Standing wrapped in a thin blanket of memories.
Little comfort.
To watch the rain is to gaze into your eyes, light and beautiful in my minds eye...
I miss the laughter, the light touching, the understanding, the pleasure.
I miss looking up at you and seeing the light and shadow of your soul bared to me as you listened to the sounds you brought from my lips.
I miss you so...
I miss having you close and inside me.
I miss you, and as I think of you I hug myself tighter and watch the rain fall like my tears once did... and do now.
A.J. Downey
09-24-1999
Missing your touch, your breath, the warmth of your body, your heart, your soul next to mine.
I watch the rain, and as I trail my fingertips down the cool pane of glass,
I miss the thick, heavy silk of your hair.
How it would slide through my fingers and caress my palms when I ran my hands through it.
I close my eyes and breathe deep.
I can almost catch the intoxicating scent that is wholly you.
That musky mixture of incense, soap, cigarettes and masculinity.
I close my eyes and think only of hands.
Your strong, heavy, beautiful hands.
Caressing my face, resting on my hips...
I am suddenly aware of how cold and empty I feel.
I continue watching the rain fall outside my window.
Standing wrapped in a thin blanket of memories.
Little comfort.
To watch the rain is to gaze into your eyes, light and beautiful in my minds eye...
I miss the laughter, the light touching, the understanding, the pleasure.
I miss looking up at you and seeing the light and shadow of your soul bared to me as you listened to the sounds you brought from my lips.
I miss you so...
I miss having you close and inside me.
I miss you, and as I think of you I hug myself tighter and watch the rain fall like my tears once did... and do now.
A.J. Downey
09-24-1999
Release Yourself
Run through a dreamscape
Fall into dust
Sleep for a thousand days
Lashes like dark crecents
Rest against pale skin
Lying in a hospital bed half way to the grave
Misty haze
Things are unreal
Disappear lose your mind
Surrender yourself
Fall forever
Rise in minutes
Dance with the Devil
Hide behind a rose
Spin like a dancer among the stars
Watch people fade
Listen to surreal notes
Fade away
Fly high
Let go, release yourself
I'll see you there.
A.J. Downey
09-20-1999
Fall into dust
Sleep for a thousand days
Lashes like dark crecents
Rest against pale skin
Lying in a hospital bed half way to the grave
Misty haze
Things are unreal
Disappear lose your mind
Surrender yourself
Fall forever
Rise in minutes
Dance with the Devil
Hide behind a rose
Spin like a dancer among the stars
Watch people fade
Listen to surreal notes
Fade away
Fly high
Let go, release yourself
I'll see you there.
A.J. Downey
09-20-1999
This Is How I Feel
Confused, tired a sense of urgency, fragile like thin glass, weary.
Jaded yet innocent, like I'm missing something important.
Alone, timid, slightly afraid, tense, nervouse, anxious.
Like a little china doll, cracked, leaking energy.
Leaking little pieces of me all over the table and floor.
Weak, like I can't do anything, hurting, crying, like I am dying.
Like the piece that's really me, what I am, is flowing away.
All I can do is watch it go, and hurt and ache and yearn for it to return.
Like I've lost the most important thing that makes me a person.
This is how I feel.
A.J. Downey
09-14-1999
10:53 am
Jaded yet innocent, like I'm missing something important.
Alone, timid, slightly afraid, tense, nervouse, anxious.
Like a little china doll, cracked, leaking energy.
Leaking little pieces of me all over the table and floor.
Weak, like I can't do anything, hurting, crying, like I am dying.
Like the piece that's really me, what I am, is flowing away.
All I can do is watch it go, and hurt and ache and yearn for it to return.
Like I've lost the most important thing that makes me a person.
This is how I feel.
A.J. Downey
09-14-1999
10:53 am
Free
The wind breezes gently through my wits.
Up high on the roof tops things seem peaceful in the pressing dawn.
You don't see the lost souls from up here.
In some ways you could forget the shouts and jeers that follow you down below.
The sun just peaks above the horizon and I slip on my shades.
The sky is lit in firey bursts of oranges and pinks.
The sun burns my tired eyes with it's radiance.
I can't help but smile.
The wind breezes gently through my wits again and I am brought back to my original purpose.
I stand on the edge and look to the pavement six stories below.
I hope I land on one of them.
A.J. Downey
09-13-1999
Up high on the roof tops things seem peaceful in the pressing dawn.
You don't see the lost souls from up here.
In some ways you could forget the shouts and jeers that follow you down below.
The sun just peaks above the horizon and I slip on my shades.
The sky is lit in firey bursts of oranges and pinks.
The sun burns my tired eyes with it's radiance.
I can't help but smile.
The wind breezes gently through my wits again and I am brought back to my original purpose.
I stand on the edge and look to the pavement six stories below.
I hope I land on one of them.
A.J. Downey
09-13-1999
Losing It
Screaming silently a ghost of a shell.
My soul cries out "When will I die!?"
Let go the darkness inside.
It screams my name and the light dies.
Tears of crystal shivering hot.
Losing it
Losing it
Shades of sorrow.
Kill the silver.
Let it go.
Shivering like a junkie
Losing my voice
Losing my mind
Wishing I were dead...
Gone
Gone Gone
I'm not there
I'm not here
Please, someone help me.
The madness of my rants can't compare to the echo of my screams.
A.J. Downey
09-13-1999
My soul cries out "When will I die!?"
Let go the darkness inside.
It screams my name and the light dies.
Tears of crystal shivering hot.
Losing it
Losing it
Shades of sorrow.
Kill the silver.
Let it go.
Shivering like a junkie
Losing my voice
Losing my mind
Wishing I were dead...
Gone
Gone Gone
I'm not there
I'm not here
Please, someone help me.
The madness of my rants can't compare to the echo of my screams.
A.J. Downey
09-13-1999
Friday, June 24, 2011
Stream of Thoughts
Decisions, decisions, round and round I go.
Visions of razors and pill bottles dance the deadly dance of deception and lies.
I am surrounded by a ring of fire, the heat from the orange flames feels like a thousand shards of spite and malice piercing my face.
I have been found guilty of innocence and have been condemned to suffer in torment, locked behind bars of lies and contained within stone walls of endless and scornful laughter.
Decisions, decisions, round and round I go, floating on an endless stream of thought and decisions not my own.
Where it takes me I do not know.
To a life new and of freedom or to a place of pain...
Where ever I go I can't go back again.
A.J. Downey
09-10-1999
Visions of razors and pill bottles dance the deadly dance of deception and lies.
I am surrounded by a ring of fire, the heat from the orange flames feels like a thousand shards of spite and malice piercing my face.
I have been found guilty of innocence and have been condemned to suffer in torment, locked behind bars of lies and contained within stone walls of endless and scornful laughter.
Decisions, decisions, round and round I go, floating on an endless stream of thought and decisions not my own.
Where it takes me I do not know.
To a life new and of freedom or to a place of pain...
Where ever I go I can't go back again.
A.J. Downey
09-10-1999
Alone
Alone.
Tired and broken.
Ready to cry, unable to do so.
Watching them leae one by one... like smoke in the wind.
Like a dragin into the sunset.
Lost forever... now left alone.
Tired and in the aftermath, so beaten.
Cold to the bone.
A chill ache in the heart.
Nothing else matters.
At war within, it can't be won.
All alone without another soul to warm the emptiness.
In the dark, hated and tortured... devastated.
Walking in a never ending daze.
It's a wonder what happened.
How could it happen so fast?
People, friends, so many to none.
An act of misguidance, of denial profound?
Never known, never cared about.
I am still so left alone.
A.J. Downey
06-04-1999
Tired and broken.
Ready to cry, unable to do so.
Watching them leae one by one... like smoke in the wind.
Like a dragin into the sunset.
Lost forever... now left alone.
Tired and in the aftermath, so beaten.
Cold to the bone.
A chill ache in the heart.
Nothing else matters.
At war within, it can't be won.
All alone without another soul to warm the emptiness.
In the dark, hated and tortured... devastated.
Walking in a never ending daze.
It's a wonder what happened.
How could it happen so fast?
People, friends, so many to none.
An act of misguidance, of denial profound?
Never known, never cared about.
I am still so left alone.
A.J. Downey
06-04-1999
Sleep
Sleep takes it all away.
The pain, the anger, the agony.
All of it disappears on an endlessly flowing river of time.
Not forever though.
It all rushes back with wakefulness.
It abrades the mind and soul with harsh realities.
However, for that short time of dreaming and fantasy called sleep...
It's all okay.
A.J. Downey
02-04-1999
The pain, the anger, the agony.
All of it disappears on an endlessly flowing river of time.
Not forever though.
It all rushes back with wakefulness.
It abrades the mind and soul with harsh realities.
However, for that short time of dreaming and fantasy called sleep...
It's all okay.
A.J. Downey
02-04-1999
Lost in a Mental Circus
I am lost inside my own head.
Reflections of my past are trapping me inside a twisted house of mirrors.
This is a carnival of demented horrors, like none before seen, it is the echo of my mind.
The shards of my soul.
The shades of people long gone laugh at me, the freak show, the one who caused their misery.
I dared to turn the key, now I've fallen down the rabbit's hole to the three ring circus that comprises my thoughts.
My last ray of hope is surrounded by killer clowns.
The ringmaster with his claws and fetid breath will destroy me from the inside I know.
I am lost inside my own head, nobody's home and I am locked out.
I trip on my own spine I claw at my own eyes.
Make the visions stop.
I am lost in the labyrinth.
Someone save me from myself!
I face forward, or is it backward?
Give me release!
Things are bizarre and frightening here, I can't escape.
I don't think so.
Think what?
Oh God help me, there will be no answer, there will be no rescue.
After all, this is my head we're talking about isn't it?
A.J. Downey
01-28-1999
Reflections of my past are trapping me inside a twisted house of mirrors.
This is a carnival of demented horrors, like none before seen, it is the echo of my mind.
The shards of my soul.
The shades of people long gone laugh at me, the freak show, the one who caused their misery.
I dared to turn the key, now I've fallen down the rabbit's hole to the three ring circus that comprises my thoughts.
My last ray of hope is surrounded by killer clowns.
The ringmaster with his claws and fetid breath will destroy me from the inside I know.
I am lost inside my own head, nobody's home and I am locked out.
I trip on my own spine I claw at my own eyes.
Make the visions stop.
I am lost in the labyrinth.
Someone save me from myself!
I face forward, or is it backward?
Give me release!
Things are bizarre and frightening here, I can't escape.
I don't think so.
Think what?
Oh God help me, there will be no answer, there will be no rescue.
After all, this is my head we're talking about isn't it?
A.J. Downey
01-28-1999
Darkened Images
Things skate across my visionin a torrent of darkened images.
Lightning crashes, a young girl dies.
Thunder bellows the cries of a thousand tortured souls.
The flames of Hell rise and crack the earth.
The sea boils into a black sulfurous substance.
Blood runs from the sky in a scalding rain.
Churches crumble and fall.
The worlds are enshrouded in a never ending night.
The dead rise from their graves to join demons in a feast upon the living.
Darkness reigns supreme.
There is no end in sight.
A.J. Downey
01-10-1999
Lightning crashes, a young girl dies.
Thunder bellows the cries of a thousand tortured souls.
The flames of Hell rise and crack the earth.
The sea boils into a black sulfurous substance.
Blood runs from the sky in a scalding rain.
Churches crumble and fall.
The worlds are enshrouded in a never ending night.
The dead rise from their graves to join demons in a feast upon the living.
Darkness reigns supreme.
There is no end in sight.
A.J. Downey
01-10-1999
A Shattered Hope
As I lay awake I wonder, what's becoming of us?
Are we still strong or have we somehow drifted apart?
I want so much to be a part of your life but you seem to be pushing me away with each passing day.
I can't stand this everlasting pain that I am feeling and have been feeling for so long.
You're hiding from me and from the world behind a curtain of dark secrets.
In your own sanctuary and place of peace, only you can break it but of course I am hiding too,
Behind a curtain of my own tears and the shattered pieces of my heart.
Every day I struggle against what has been inflicted upon us.
When I think back to when you first came into my life...
You brought with you an Armageddon of the heart.
I sometimes wonder will we still be together after all of this or will we fall apart and each disappear into the blackness?
I guess I'll just have to wait, for what I don't know.
A beginning, an ending or a continuation?
A.J. Downey
12-30-1998
Are we still strong or have we somehow drifted apart?
I want so much to be a part of your life but you seem to be pushing me away with each passing day.
I can't stand this everlasting pain that I am feeling and have been feeling for so long.
You're hiding from me and from the world behind a curtain of dark secrets.
In your own sanctuary and place of peace, only you can break it but of course I am hiding too,
Behind a curtain of my own tears and the shattered pieces of my heart.
Every day I struggle against what has been inflicted upon us.
When I think back to when you first came into my life...
You brought with you an Armageddon of the heart.
I sometimes wonder will we still be together after all of this or will we fall apart and each disappear into the blackness?
I guess I'll just have to wait, for what I don't know.
A beginning, an ending or a continuation?
A.J. Downey
12-30-1998
I Don't Want To Be Here
Torn in two.
I'm so confused.
So I figure - hey, what have I got to lose?
The razor catches the bathroom light,
I sink a little deeper into the warm bath.
I press the sharp edge into my wrist and draw down.
I let out a hiss at the sharpness in pain.
It dulls to a throbbing ache.
The show that's been my life, it'll be over in a minute.
That's what I want.
'cause I sure as hell don't want to be here.
I'm going now.
I'll see you in Hell.
Fuck yeah.
A.J. Downey
12-17-1998
I'm so confused.
So I figure - hey, what have I got to lose?
The razor catches the bathroom light,
I sink a little deeper into the warm bath.
I press the sharp edge into my wrist and draw down.
I let out a hiss at the sharpness in pain.
It dulls to a throbbing ache.
The show that's been my life, it'll be over in a minute.
That's what I want.
'cause I sure as hell don't want to be here.
I'm going now.
I'll see you in Hell.
Fuck yeah.
A.J. Downey
12-17-1998
Darkness' Spawn
He is gothic, darkness, violence barely contained.
He runs from himself.
His nightmares turn real.
He is in a wretched state.
He who feels pain in it's purest form, love in all it's anguish and fire in its eternity.
He is darkness unto himself.
A creature whose soul is as raw and bleeding as any physical wound.
He is cold and bereft.
He wants to die.
Fate will not allow it.
He is lost, never to be found.
He is innocence never to be regained.
He is destruction in a simple way.
He is the product of evil's inbreeding.
No one can help this dark angel.
More aptly, no one dares.
No one gives him a hand.
So he festers within.
Losing his fight.
Now and forever, Darkness' spawn.
A.J. Downey
12-09-1998
He runs from himself.
His nightmares turn real.
He is in a wretched state.
He who feels pain in it's purest form, love in all it's anguish and fire in its eternity.
He is darkness unto himself.
A creature whose soul is as raw and bleeding as any physical wound.
He is cold and bereft.
He wants to die.
Fate will not allow it.
He is lost, never to be found.
He is innocence never to be regained.
He is destruction in a simple way.
He is the product of evil's inbreeding.
No one can help this dark angel.
More aptly, no one dares.
No one gives him a hand.
So he festers within.
Losing his fight.
Now and forever, Darkness' spawn.
A.J. Downey
12-09-1998
The Ascent
She runs.
The sky burns.
It burns with the colors of flame and fresh blood.
She runs for shelter.
The earth beneath her feet is stained with the now dry blood of innocence.
Fire rains down upon it from the inflamed sky above.
She stumbles.
The winged beasts are coming.
Their screeches are all too near.
She ducks into the nearest doorway, slamming the door and barring it.
She cries for someone to help her.
There is no one left, only the demons.
They thirst for blood and death.
First rising from the sea, or exploding from the mountains.
The sea it's self is acidic now.
As are the lakes and rivers, all the color of rust.
She shakes herself away from the horrors she's seen.
She takes notice of her surroundings.
How fitting.
She has taken refuge in a church.
The plaster saints are blackened.
The pews are burnt.
The cross has fallen to it's side, blackened like the saints.
The alter is cracked down the middle, but otherwise untouched.
She steps forward on scraped and bloodied feet.
She knows there is no one to help her now.
Against all of her prayers,
She is alone.
Her family was burned.
Her fiance torn apart by winged beasts.
Her friends lost to disease.
She is the last here.
Tears course through the dirt on her face.
She stands on the cold marble steps to the alter.
Alone and bereft,
Battered and bruised.
The only audible sounds are those of snarling growls and claws on wood.
She is trapped.
She lays upon the cold steps at the base of the alter.
Huddled in her once white, torn, blood and soot stained dress.
She pulls the remnants of a red velvet curtain over her to act as a blanket.
It smells heavily of wood smoke.
The demons would get to her soon enough.
She wraps the curtain about her tighter.
She is too tired to care.
She pillows her head on her arm and drifts off to sleep.
Time passes, the scraping from outside slows and stops.
She wakes.
Brightness.
Light, white light, tinged blue...
From above her.
She looks.
An angel dons the alter with strength and power in his poise.
His deep blue eyes are fierce and at once gentle.
His robes of white shimmer, the origin of the light.
He holds out a slender pale hand to her.
She collapses in sobs against his chest.
He comforts her the way a parent would their frightened child.
She looks into his face, he kisses her lips softly like a lover...
They begin ascending.
The rotting roof of the church begins to collapse.
The girl hides her face against the angel's shoulder.
The debris never touches them, or comes near them in any way.
They continue upwards.
The winged beasts come for them.
The warrior angel strikes them down with a sword of silvery light.
Soon the angel and his charge are among the clouds.
They would be home soon.
Very soon.
A.J. Downey
11-14-1998
The sky burns.
It burns with the colors of flame and fresh blood.
She runs for shelter.
The earth beneath her feet is stained with the now dry blood of innocence.
Fire rains down upon it from the inflamed sky above.
She stumbles.
The winged beasts are coming.
Their screeches are all too near.
She ducks into the nearest doorway, slamming the door and barring it.
She cries for someone to help her.
There is no one left, only the demons.
They thirst for blood and death.
First rising from the sea, or exploding from the mountains.
The sea it's self is acidic now.
As are the lakes and rivers, all the color of rust.
She shakes herself away from the horrors she's seen.
She takes notice of her surroundings.
How fitting.
She has taken refuge in a church.
The plaster saints are blackened.
The pews are burnt.
The cross has fallen to it's side, blackened like the saints.
The alter is cracked down the middle, but otherwise untouched.
She steps forward on scraped and bloodied feet.
She knows there is no one to help her now.
Against all of her prayers,
She is alone.
Her family was burned.
Her fiance torn apart by winged beasts.
Her friends lost to disease.
She is the last here.
Tears course through the dirt on her face.
She stands on the cold marble steps to the alter.
Alone and bereft,
Battered and bruised.
The only audible sounds are those of snarling growls and claws on wood.
She is trapped.
She lays upon the cold steps at the base of the alter.
Huddled in her once white, torn, blood and soot stained dress.
She pulls the remnants of a red velvet curtain over her to act as a blanket.
It smells heavily of wood smoke.
The demons would get to her soon enough.
She wraps the curtain about her tighter.
She is too tired to care.
She pillows her head on her arm and drifts off to sleep.
Time passes, the scraping from outside slows and stops.
She wakes.
Brightness.
Light, white light, tinged blue...
From above her.
She looks.
An angel dons the alter with strength and power in his poise.
His deep blue eyes are fierce and at once gentle.
His robes of white shimmer, the origin of the light.
He holds out a slender pale hand to her.
She collapses in sobs against his chest.
He comforts her the way a parent would their frightened child.
She looks into his face, he kisses her lips softly like a lover...
They begin ascending.
The rotting roof of the church begins to collapse.
The girl hides her face against the angel's shoulder.
The debris never touches them, or comes near them in any way.
They continue upwards.
The winged beasts come for them.
The warrior angel strikes them down with a sword of silvery light.
Soon the angel and his charge are among the clouds.
They would be home soon.
Very soon.
A.J. Downey
11-14-1998
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Nightmare's Waltz
My fear is a landscape of rotting corpses, each baring your face.
My fear is a sky of stormclouds, the black and purple of a ripe bruise.
Lightning crashes to the corpse-riddled earth and thunder splits the rank air.
The rain that falls is acidic blood.
Creatures swarm out of the darkness, their claws raking my flesh.
The rain is my blood.
My fear is panic, as my flesh is torn from my body
Only to reunite to slough off in a pungent rot.
I scream.
I wake, yet the nightmare follows me to reality.
Your pale specter stands beside my bed; hand upraised to touch my face.
I reach for you, seeking comfort.
The flesh and muscle disappear from your head revealing bloody skull beneath.
I scream.
You're gone.
My insanity brings the gargoyles of my room alive.
Not as protectors but as attackers.
With blood in their eyes and saliva dripping from their fangs.
Biting and tearing where they can.
I hide under the blankets to escape these monstrosities.
Then I find--There is No Escape.
Silence.
I hesitate to look out.
I slowly lower the blanket.
Death stands before me; we are no longer in my room.
A grand ballroom stretches around me, and I know
I am alone with Death in his terrible black-robed countenance.
Music is struck and we begin to dance.
I dance with Death until the clock strikes the midnight hour.
His hood is gently thrown back.
I see only you.
You lean in for a kiss.
I give it willingly.
I pull back slowly and in your place is Death again.
His skeletal arms are the ones that hold me close.
I begin to fall.
I see myself in my coffin, black roses all around.
I am comforted that I am well and truely dead.
My fear is at an end.
As is the Nightmare's Waltz.
A.J.Downey
11-14-1998
My fear is a sky of stormclouds, the black and purple of a ripe bruise.
Lightning crashes to the corpse-riddled earth and thunder splits the rank air.
The rain that falls is acidic blood.
Creatures swarm out of the darkness, their claws raking my flesh.
The rain is my blood.
My fear is panic, as my flesh is torn from my body
Only to reunite to slough off in a pungent rot.
I scream.
I wake, yet the nightmare follows me to reality.
Your pale specter stands beside my bed; hand upraised to touch my face.
I reach for you, seeking comfort.
The flesh and muscle disappear from your head revealing bloody skull beneath.
I scream.
You're gone.
My insanity brings the gargoyles of my room alive.
Not as protectors but as attackers.
With blood in their eyes and saliva dripping from their fangs.
Biting and tearing where they can.
I hide under the blankets to escape these monstrosities.
Then I find--There is No Escape.
Silence.
I hesitate to look out.
I slowly lower the blanket.
Death stands before me; we are no longer in my room.
A grand ballroom stretches around me, and I know
I am alone with Death in his terrible black-robed countenance.
Music is struck and we begin to dance.
I dance with Death until the clock strikes the midnight hour.
His hood is gently thrown back.
I see only you.
You lean in for a kiss.
I give it willingly.
I pull back slowly and in your place is Death again.
His skeletal arms are the ones that hold me close.
I begin to fall.
I see myself in my coffin, black roses all around.
I am comforted that I am well and truely dead.
My fear is at an end.
As is the Nightmare's Waltz.
A.J.Downey
11-14-1998
London's Magic
The dauwn is brought forth by the beginning of a new day.
It's light turned gentle by the swirling morning mist.
Everything is cast in soft pastels.
All in pinks and blues, accented and softened by lavenders and yellows.
The sky is made of peaches and cream.
The waters are calm.
Almost a mirror, reflecting everything in a slightly distorted view.
A lone boatman is sailing into the old familiar towers of the city.
A bridge sweeps across the clean pane of water before him.
All is calm.
All is quiet.
Everything is cast in an essence of magical light.
It all looks as if it came from the pages of a children's story book.
The city now waking...
The sun fully risen.
The boatman in his safe bed, sleep finally given.
What was once blurred is now clear.
The magic broken.
It will return another day.
I promise.
A.J. Downey
11-11-1998
It's light turned gentle by the swirling morning mist.
Everything is cast in soft pastels.
All in pinks and blues, accented and softened by lavenders and yellows.
The sky is made of peaches and cream.
The waters are calm.
Almost a mirror, reflecting everything in a slightly distorted view.
A lone boatman is sailing into the old familiar towers of the city.
A bridge sweeps across the clean pane of water before him.
All is calm.
All is quiet.
Everything is cast in an essence of magical light.
It all looks as if it came from the pages of a children's story book.
The city now waking...
The sun fully risen.
The boatman in his safe bed, sleep finally given.
What was once blurred is now clear.
The magic broken.
It will return another day.
I promise.
A.J. Downey
11-11-1998
The Watcher
He is silently looking down upon us, hidden in the night darkened skies.
He is The Watcher.
Chained to his post by bonds of stone.
He hungers.
His eyes do the feasting on all that is visible to his station.
He bears witness to the father mercilessly beats his young daughter.
He enjoys the show.
He looks on with glee as a crooked cop leads a cheap whore into a back alley.
The five dollar bang would be murder soon, the whore's last living experience.
The Watcher knows this and grins in anticipation.
His eyes lash red briefly in the darkness as a scream rents the air.
A siren wails in the distance.
The Watcher keeps his vigil.
To him, the night air reeks of evil, he revels in it.
He is a creature of greed and lust,
Forever keeping watch, nurturing the depravity of the night with his thoughts.
He will always be a prisoner in his cold cast stone body.
With eyes of blood, watching his keep.
He is demon kind, he is always there, always watching...
A.J. Downey
11-10-1998
He is The Watcher.
Chained to his post by bonds of stone.
He hungers.
His eyes do the feasting on all that is visible to his station.
He bears witness to the father mercilessly beats his young daughter.
He enjoys the show.
He looks on with glee as a crooked cop leads a cheap whore into a back alley.
The five dollar bang would be murder soon, the whore's last living experience.
The Watcher knows this and grins in anticipation.
His eyes lash red briefly in the darkness as a scream rents the air.
A siren wails in the distance.
The Watcher keeps his vigil.
To him, the night air reeks of evil, he revels in it.
He is a creature of greed and lust,
Forever keeping watch, nurturing the depravity of the night with his thoughts.
He will always be a prisoner in his cold cast stone body.
With eyes of blood, watching his keep.
He is demon kind, he is always there, always watching...
A.J. Downey
11-10-1998
Leaving This Perfect Hell Behind
I'm silently drowning, nothing's real, nothing matters or hurts anymore.
It's all going away, that's good.
I'm silently leaving this perfect Hell behind; the waters of sorrow are closing above me.
Crystalline clear, a lake of my own tears
I breathe in deep these waters, all sadness disappears.
Replace by still peace.
Dead peace.
I tried hard for redemption; all I got was rejection.
So I've given up to drown in this lake of my own tears.
Crystalline clear now tinted blue,
Blue from my icewater hearts-blood pumping from my severed veins.
I want to ensure that I die.
I'm silently drowning; nothing matters to me except to succeed.
My last attempt at doing something right.
Dying.
Drowning in waters instead of their rules.
I could never do anything right for them.
I left a letter for my closest friend.
He always understood.
The waters are so cold.
Not for long.
I'll be at peace soon.
I'm silently drowning.
Nothing's real.
Nothing hurts anymore.
Good bye.
A.J. Downey
11-05-1998
It's all going away, that's good.
I'm silently leaving this perfect Hell behind; the waters of sorrow are closing above me.
Crystalline clear, a lake of my own tears
I breathe in deep these waters, all sadness disappears.
Replace by still peace.
Dead peace.
I tried hard for redemption; all I got was rejection.
So I've given up to drown in this lake of my own tears.
Crystalline clear now tinted blue,
Blue from my icewater hearts-blood pumping from my severed veins.
I want to ensure that I die.
I'm silently drowning; nothing matters to me except to succeed.
My last attempt at doing something right.
Dying.
Drowning in waters instead of their rules.
I could never do anything right for them.
I left a letter for my closest friend.
He always understood.
The waters are so cold.
Not for long.
I'll be at peace soon.
I'm silently drowning.
Nothing's real.
Nothing hurts anymore.
Good bye.
A.J. Downey
11-05-1998
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Trying to Learn
I promised that I'd never leave you.
Now it's time to say good bye if only for a short time.
Where I am going I cannot take you
Because you won't survive.
I want to try and come back some day.
I need to know you're alive.
So give me the ribbon from your hair to remember days gone by
Because to get to Hell is going to be a long ride.
I'll miss you much, of that be certain.
I'll see you again when I return from behind that curtain...
The curtain of never ending pain.
I will have beaten my past and resurrected my dreams.
I will enjoy the knowledge everything is what it seems.
I will have learned.
So I must go through Hell, and it will be hard.
And though nothing is certain, I will travel through the curtain
And I will see you when I return.
Because then I will have earned, all I have set out to learn.
A.J. Downey
11-04-1998
Now it's time to say good bye if only for a short time.
Where I am going I cannot take you
Because you won't survive.
I want to try and come back some day.
I need to know you're alive.
So give me the ribbon from your hair to remember days gone by
Because to get to Hell is going to be a long ride.
I'll miss you much, of that be certain.
I'll see you again when I return from behind that curtain...
The curtain of never ending pain.
I will have beaten my past and resurrected my dreams.
I will enjoy the knowledge everything is what it seems.
I will have learned.
So I must go through Hell, and it will be hard.
And though nothing is certain, I will travel through the curtain
And I will see you when I return.
Because then I will have earned, all I have set out to learn.
A.J. Downey
11-04-1998
Light and Dark
You whisper things through the darkness.
Vaguely obscene in their intensity.
It is not needed, I want this.
I can sense the line of your body at my back.
Long before you rest talented hands upon my shoulders.
Your breath is warm and moist at the back of my neck.
Your leathery wings enfold me in a cloud of sulfurous scent.
You knead my shoulders carefully, as if I were a china doll.
Tenderly, without leaving a scratch.
You act so timid.
Not at all like yourself.
I turn to face you in the circle of your strong arms.
You could crush me.
I have no fear.
I look into velveteen eyes.
Their dark green flame in the torch light brought forth by your tears.
I kiss your fanged mouth.
My robes slip to the floor in a pile of pale satin.
My own feathered wings are inhibited by yours.
White downy feathers brush tough black ebony leather.
You shudder.
I fold my wings back down.
Your arms convulse around me, crushing me to you.
Not hard, just firm.
My breasts mold against your chest and I sigh.
This is where I want to be forever.
Crushed together, tongues mingling.
You are an angel, trapped in demon form.
I don't care.
I place your claws over my heart and tell you my desired wish.
You fall to your knees and weep bitterly.
You tell me you fear hurting me.
I kiss your brow and help you to your twisted feet.
It's alright, I won't break.
With some coaxing we go further.
You grant me my wish with a gentle ferocity borne out of need.
I need this too.
I am a fallen angel.
I've fallen in love.
I wake up beside you, wings of leather and feathers entwined.
I smile at what my guide has told.
You've been granted your redemption,
As well as a place in heaven.
Though forever trapped in your demonic shell.
I could care less.
I love you for who you are.
I gently wake you with a kiss.
I tell you the wonderful news and you are overjoyed.
We make the ascent together,
We'll stay together forever.
Through out the end of time.
A.J. Downey
11-04-1998
Vaguely obscene in their intensity.
It is not needed, I want this.
I can sense the line of your body at my back.
Long before you rest talented hands upon my shoulders.
Your breath is warm and moist at the back of my neck.
Your leathery wings enfold me in a cloud of sulfurous scent.
You knead my shoulders carefully, as if I were a china doll.
Tenderly, without leaving a scratch.
You act so timid.
Not at all like yourself.
I turn to face you in the circle of your strong arms.
You could crush me.
I have no fear.
I look into velveteen eyes.
Their dark green flame in the torch light brought forth by your tears.
I kiss your fanged mouth.
My robes slip to the floor in a pile of pale satin.
My own feathered wings are inhibited by yours.
White downy feathers brush tough black ebony leather.
You shudder.
I fold my wings back down.
Your arms convulse around me, crushing me to you.
Not hard, just firm.
My breasts mold against your chest and I sigh.
This is where I want to be forever.
Crushed together, tongues mingling.
You are an angel, trapped in demon form.
I don't care.
I place your claws over my heart and tell you my desired wish.
You fall to your knees and weep bitterly.
You tell me you fear hurting me.
I kiss your brow and help you to your twisted feet.
It's alright, I won't break.
With some coaxing we go further.
You grant me my wish with a gentle ferocity borne out of need.
I need this too.
I am a fallen angel.
I've fallen in love.
I wake up beside you, wings of leather and feathers entwined.
I smile at what my guide has told.
You've been granted your redemption,
As well as a place in heaven.
Though forever trapped in your demonic shell.
I could care less.
I love you for who you are.
I gently wake you with a kiss.
I tell you the wonderful news and you are overjoyed.
We make the ascent together,
We'll stay together forever.
Through out the end of time.
A.J. Downey
11-04-1998
Revisiting Childhood
I stand here in my empty childhood playground.
The trees are old, gnarled and dead.
They remind me of the trees in Hell.
I see the grass of the field is brown now.
Not green like it used to be.
The sky is dark and clouded, close to black in the intensity of its darkness.
I look down to see the tire swing on the jungle gym.
It hangs, an odd hangman's relic, the other two chains rusted through.
I look elsewhere.
The monkey bars are rusted and bent.
Someone has hanged a small animal, possibly a rabbit, from them.
It only accentuates the hangman's tire swing.
The small wood bridge is missing planks.
They are off to the side, charred.
Someone had built a fire out of them.
I look to my favorite slide.
It is all but collapsed.
A rusted, decrepit vision.
I stop and remind myself hard, on why this came to pass.
I sit on the one remaining regular swing and hope it does not break.
It holds.
The cold wind brings with it rain.
It is as icy as the hand of death, and I try not to cry.
But that is silly.
I have no tears left.
I'm just waiting to die.
I look to the ground before me.
Shards of broken glass are now among the safe little pebbles.
A rusted razor blade rests near my foot.
The rust color reminds me of old blood.
A pile of used syringes rest under one of the rotting wooden platforms.
This place is as dead on the outside as I am on the inside, I think.
It is a place of lost dreams, cold and barren.
It is a reflection of what I have become.
A.J. Downey
11-04-1998
The trees are old, gnarled and dead.
They remind me of the trees in Hell.
I see the grass of the field is brown now.
Not green like it used to be.
The sky is dark and clouded, close to black in the intensity of its darkness.
I look down to see the tire swing on the jungle gym.
It hangs, an odd hangman's relic, the other two chains rusted through.
I look elsewhere.
The monkey bars are rusted and bent.
Someone has hanged a small animal, possibly a rabbit, from them.
It only accentuates the hangman's tire swing.
The small wood bridge is missing planks.
They are off to the side, charred.
Someone had built a fire out of them.
I look to my favorite slide.
It is all but collapsed.
A rusted, decrepit vision.
I stop and remind myself hard, on why this came to pass.
I sit on the one remaining regular swing and hope it does not break.
It holds.
The cold wind brings with it rain.
It is as icy as the hand of death, and I try not to cry.
But that is silly.
I have no tears left.
I'm just waiting to die.
I look to the ground before me.
Shards of broken glass are now among the safe little pebbles.
A rusted razor blade rests near my foot.
The rust color reminds me of old blood.
A pile of used syringes rest under one of the rotting wooden platforms.
This place is as dead on the outside as I am on the inside, I think.
It is a place of lost dreams, cold and barren.
It is a reflection of what I have become.
A.J. Downey
11-04-1998
Even Though You Hurt Me I Still Love You
Your words of hatred whisper through the night to stab me through the heart like shards of ice. What is it I've done? "Nothing!" my mind cries to me... "It must have been something!" my heart cries in countenance. My only crime was of compassion. I grew to love you, that is true. It was you, or more aptly put your increasing mental abuse that made me go... It is true you never laid a hand on me. It was your jealouse accusations that really brought me down. I just need you to know... that after it all... I still only love you.
A.J. Downey
10-23-1998
A.J. Downey
10-23-1998
Sentinel
I stand sentinel in this, the most desolate of lands.
Barren of life, barren of color, save for the shades of gray and the hues of cold, dead blue.
The lands of burnt churches and lost faith stretch before me.
I am sentinel of the forest of graves.
The moonlight reflecting off their stone surfaces.
I watched this world fall into this wasteland of despair.
I watched it's occupants die.
I will forever be sentinel of this place for it is and will always be my soul.
A place of eternal darkness, cold and empty.
Forever unyielding, except for one small thing.
There is only one living thing upon this landscape other than myself.
A rosebush, with blossoms red as blood.
The dark stormclouds that comprise the sky of soul, break, allowing a single ray of light, to fall upon the roses.
The only bit of light I have left.
Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
A.J. Downey
07-28-1998
Barren of life, barren of color, save for the shades of gray and the hues of cold, dead blue.
The lands of burnt churches and lost faith stretch before me.
I am sentinel of the forest of graves.
The moonlight reflecting off their stone surfaces.
I watched this world fall into this wasteland of despair.
I watched it's occupants die.
I will forever be sentinel of this place for it is and will always be my soul.
A place of eternal darkness, cold and empty.
Forever unyielding, except for one small thing.
There is only one living thing upon this landscape other than myself.
A rosebush, with blossoms red as blood.
The dark stormclouds that comprise the sky of soul, break, allowing a single ray of light, to fall upon the roses.
The only bit of light I have left.
Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
A.J. Downey
07-28-1998
Anger
It burns within.
An all consuming emotion that can build like a volcano.
It is one that most of us must act upon immediately.
Others let it simmer below the surface until it explodes.
It is violence in it's purest form.
It claws it's way out from within, in an explosion of heat, passion and anguish.
It brings about arson, rape and murder.
It brings about tears, loss and regret.
It is pieced together by violence, insanity and obsession.
It deafens all reason and resounds with a ring of steel inside your head.
It is anger.
It is rage.
...and it is uncontrollable.
A.J.Downey
07-21-1998
An all consuming emotion that can build like a volcano.
It is one that most of us must act upon immediately.
Others let it simmer below the surface until it explodes.
It is violence in it's purest form.
It claws it's way out from within, in an explosion of heat, passion and anguish.
It brings about arson, rape and murder.
It brings about tears, loss and regret.
It is pieced together by violence, insanity and obsession.
It deafens all reason and resounds with a ring of steel inside your head.
It is anger.
It is rage.
...and it is uncontrollable.
A.J.Downey
07-21-1998
Within
I hide within his soul.
A bit of flame hiding within the cooling blackness.
His skin cools the fire with the whispering touch of the grave.
I give in.
His gaze drowns me with it's sweeping touch.
I sense his cool scrutiny inside.
His hand reaches out from within the placid pool of darkness to pull me to his lifeless heart.
His lips touch mine and something within each of us instantly breaks and merges in one single fluid movement.
I smile with the knowledge that I will soon be a part of the darkness we all harbor within.
A.J. Downey
07-20-1998
A bit of flame hiding within the cooling blackness.
His skin cools the fire with the whispering touch of the grave.
I give in.
His gaze drowns me with it's sweeping touch.
I sense his cool scrutiny inside.
His hand reaches out from within the placid pool of darkness to pull me to his lifeless heart.
His lips touch mine and something within each of us instantly breaks and merges in one single fluid movement.
I smile with the knowledge that I will soon be a part of the darkness we all harbor within.
A.J. Downey
07-20-1998
Memories
The memories tear; they rip; they kill a part of me.
I want to sleep forever, to join you in the swamps.
Somebody set me free from this cage!
I scream, I scratch, I bleed and I die, only inside.
I want to cry.
Somebody hold me down in comfort and hope.
Don't let the nightmares of my past get me.
Suck me under; roll me; eat me alive; destroy me.
Kill what little light I have left inside.
I don't want my memories to hurt me anymore.
But life is pain, and my soul is dying in his name.
A.J. Downey
07-17-1998
I want to sleep forever, to join you in the swamps.
Somebody set me free from this cage!
I scream, I scratch, I bleed and I die, only inside.
I want to cry.
Somebody hold me down in comfort and hope.
Don't let the nightmares of my past get me.
Suck me under; roll me; eat me alive; destroy me.
Kill what little light I have left inside.
I don't want my memories to hurt me anymore.
But life is pain, and my soul is dying in his name.
A.J. Downey
07-17-1998
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Suicide and Failure
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to see.
So I take a look at myself and climb the fucking tree.
I slide the rope around my neck and I know it's time to bleed.
I go and jump into my death and as I look up high,
I see his gentle eyes looking down on me.
The rope, it creaks in the breeze and still I am not dead.
I look up again to see him descend from the velvet blue sky.
He takes me from my end.
He whispers gently "It is not time."
And I beg of him, "Please no, don't go."
He smiled sadly and faded away and again
I was left alone.
A.J. Downey
07-17-1998
I don't know what to see.
So I take a look at myself and climb the fucking tree.
I slide the rope around my neck and I know it's time to bleed.
I go and jump into my death and as I look up high,
I see his gentle eyes looking down on me.
The rope, it creaks in the breeze and still I am not dead.
I look up again to see him descend from the velvet blue sky.
He takes me from my end.
He whispers gently "It is not time."
And I beg of him, "Please no, don't go."
He smiled sadly and faded away and again
I was left alone.
A.J. Downey
07-17-1998
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